The Unbearable Bane of Thank You Notes

Okay I admit it, I love getting thank-you notes. In fact I love getting traditional mail as much as the next person, but do I ever do it myself? Do I make my kids write thank-you notes like my mom made me? Nope. This Organic Freedom (NFP) has convinced herself  that life is too short to stress out about all the thank-you notes I haven’t written. Of course, having been raised by an Organic Structure (NFJ) who can get things like thank-you notes crossed off her list in no time, for me they linger and bother me, even if I say otherwise. If I don’t do them right away they won’t happen at all, and if there’s any impediment — where are the stamps, where is my stationery, do I have their address, or a week spent in my purse unposted — then I’m doomed. So imagine my delight when I read an article calling for a plea to save traditional thank-you notes by allowing us to not always write them. Subversive and a relief for me and other types like mine, but can we get all those Classics (SJs) in the world to go along with it?

I don’t know if my Classic Freedom (SFJ) sister would be able to get on board as she doesn’t know what’s so hard about it. She is a dutiful thank-you writer and she has the gorgeous stationery right at her fingertips to help her along with this very sensorial act. I believe she even has melting wax and a stamp to go old school if she so desires, and after her children are grown I’m sure the wax will pick up again. I mean the girl even sends ME, her sister, best friend and business partner handwritten notes. This discrepancy in social etiquette between us might be why she’s been a bridesmaid 12 times not including family members and I’ve only been a bridesmaid once for non family members and that one time was for a friend I’ve known since I was six!

Molly Guinness, the person who wrote “We must save the bread and butter letter from extinction,” in The Spectator, a British weekly and the oldest continuously published magazine in the English-speaking world, natch, is most likely a clever Smart (NT) of some kind, because she actually gave voice to what has always bugged me about thank-you letters, but was afraid to say out loud, lest I offend someone. One is of course that I never have everything I need in one place and there’s at least five steps to complete the task and no one has the same kind of time, nor staff that they used to, etc.. But the other argument, and I daresay that even my sister has been guilty of this from time to time — is that most thank you notes are just, well, it’s a bit American and crass of me to say this, but they just suck. Yeah, you read me right. They’re full of platitudes and clichés and frankly almost not worth the paper upon which they’re written. Rarely longer than three sentences and so bland they feel like they’ve been ripped from a fill in the blank form letter, more often than not, I’m disappointed when I rip open the handwritten note.

Guinness’ points out that even the Queen has been known to write an email thank-you when, for instance, the letter wont’ reach the party, like the President or something before she sees him again. So if the British Queen, arguably the first and last word in social etiquette and graces can do it, why can’t us commoners follow suit? Especially those of us who are challenged personality type wise with all the steps involved in this quickly disappearing act of social nicety? My husband, a Smart Freedom (NTP), does this trick where he writes an email thank-you right away with this caveat, “I promise a proper thank-you note is on its way, but in the meantime…” and invariably the person writes back, “No other thank-you is necessary…” Yeah, they’re Smarts for a reason I guess. And while he hasn’t been in more weddings than me, his social circle is so large that after 12 years of marriage I still haven’t met all of his friends!

So Kelly and all those other Classics can keep writing their traditional thank-yous, as long as they are heartfelt and include a bit of originality and consciousness of the person to whom they are writing, but if all you’re going to say is thank-you for the nice toaster, it’s exactly what we needed (because, um it was on our registry) thanks for coming to the wedding, hope to see you soon, then it’s time to either work a bit harder, or send off a quick email to let the sender know the post office did its job, you got their present, and a proper note with heartfelt originality will be on its way, someday.