Banned SkyMall Items

Today, we each picked out one item that should not exist. Our Smarts didn’t pick one so I assume that means that everything in that catalog should be banned except for the map, food and earphones. Our Fun’s pick gets top billing. Tex The Armadillo Can Holder. If you ever see that in someone’s home, slowly and quietly back out of there. 

I mean, really. Not only is it creepily lifelike to the point where you’d be a little hesitant to pick up the can, it doesn’t even keep the beverage cold. “Protect your beverage of choice until you’re ready to uncap and unwind! Our rough-n-ready armadillo, Tex, is a sure-fire conversation piece from his textured armor to his whiplash tail.” Basically, this is for the person whose roomate constantly drinks their next beer AND happens to be afraid of Armadillos. Although, this would pretty much be the all time best White Elephant present.

Next up is the Classic pick. The Brobdingnagian Sports Chair. “Capable of accommodating a Brobdingnagian, this is the portable chair that elevates your physical stature at any outdoor event. Measuring 5-1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for full-body gesticulations or sharing your prodigious chair with a friend. The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway instead of merely floundering in dirt or sand.” In case you’re wondering, Brobdingnagians are the giants in Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. Can you imagine if that was YOUR dad at your soccer game??? Talk about social suicide or rather social filicide. 

Finally, we’ve got the Organics pick, which is Hand-Dipped Gold Roses. “Hand-dipped in 24K gold, these roses last forever! You won’t be throwing these beautiful roses away — they last a lifetime … and then some. Many colors to choose from, all trimmed with 24K gold and featuring a solid gold stem. Each rose is approximately 12″ long …” No, just no. This is never okay to purchase and if I ran for Congress I might just ban the manufacture of this product.

Honorable mention from all personality types is SkyMall’s Garden Yeti Sculptures. “Ever wonder where those strange noises in your garden come from?” Umm, no. Who hears strange noises in their garden? “With alleged Bigfoot sightings the world over, from the Himalayas to the Americas, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured for Toscano in a quality designer resin statue and hand-painted for startling realism. With his characteristically big feet, our more than two-foot-tall Garden Yeti Statue…” Hold the phone, two-foot-tall? Isn’t the Yeti supposed to be BIGfoot?? “…the Garden Yeti sculpture commands a unique presence in home or garden.” Oh, I bet it will. I double dog dare someone to purchase it.