I Should Eat Some Worms

Love,
Kelly “Nobody Likes Me” McMenamin.
 
This was how I signed a homemade 37th birthday card to my dad. I was 7. It’s an odd way to wish your dad with whom I am close, a happy birthday. When I first stumbled upon this card, I breezily dismissed it as simply the crazy ranting of a 7 year old. Didn’t we all do whackadoo things as kids? But, recently I started paying attention to one of my only recurring anxiety laden crazy thoughts that rambles in and out of my head, “I wonder if so and so doesn’t like me?”
 
As a Classic Freedom, I have a tendency to make decisions subjectively, which leaves me quite capable of entertaining all sorts of personal conspiracy theories. But, for sanity’s sake, I flex the logic that resides within me and 99.9% of the illogical crazy thoughts that come across my mental desk are deleted before I even fully entertain them. Except the one about whether close friends and family like me.
 
Yes, you read that right. New people? Business relationships? Not a problem. Couldn’t care less what they thought of me so don’t even notice if they take a week to call me back. Logically, I assume they’re busy. Best friend for 30 years doesn’t return my call for over a week? Crazy time.
 
After visiting my hours old newborn niece, Meredith, I turned to my brother Patrick and said, “I don’t know if she liked me.” Patrick said, “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. She is a newborn baby.” I tried in vain to recover my lost ground and insert some logic into my query but stopped for obvious reasons. For the record, Meredith is now 5 and makes me virtually sing for my supper if I want to get a smile out of her.
 
The funny thing is that when I truly apply logic to this idiotic recurring thought, it never stacks up. Yet, I still have it. I’m godmother to two children and I was in 12 weddings (13 this fall.) Even when I’ve been fired, they went to great pains to ensure that I knew how much I was liked — they just weren’t thrilled with my stock picks. It’s a rare bird who doesn’t like me because what you see is what you get. There’s no secret subtext or agenda. Sure, I can be a little introverted but I spend a great deal of time thinking about other people’s feelings before my own.
 
As my own 37th birthday approaches in exactly 6 months, I think my goal is to learn how to dump my 30-year-old piece of insanity and come up with a new, less taxing mantra. By January 5th, 2011, I’ll be like Sally Fields winning her first Oscar.
 
Love,
Kelly “Everybody actually likes me” McMenamin