Miscarriage in Manhattan

Dear Katie & Kelly,

Recently my brother told me that his wife had a miscarriage and they’re both really upset about it. I’m not super close to his wife so I didn’t say anything to her the next time I saw her. I heard later from my husband that she was really hurt that I didn’t acknowledge it. Should I have said something about it? It seems a weird thing to talk about with someone who is not your friend. I think I’m a Fun Structure.

Miscarriage in Manhattan

Dear Miscarriage ,

Yes. You should have. But you’re not alone in not knowing the etiquette for miscarriages. Offering sympathy should be simple no matter who you are or who died. Whether it’s someone’s husband who has passed away or an unborn child, a simple, sincere “I’m so sorry for your loss” almost never gets you into trouble. You can always say more or be more personal about it but anyone who quibbles about this phrase is just intensely sad and looking for someone to be angry with because being angry feels better than being sad.

As for your particular situation, think about it, friend or no friend, it’s the love of your brother’s life, the (future) mother of his children. Have a heart. Next time you see her find the right opportunity to say, “I should have said this the last time I saw you but (insert your brother’s name) told me you had a miscarriage and I just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss.” For other personality types who want to go a step further or if it’s a friend, a meaningful greeting card (not some cheesy one about death but something more poetic) goes a long way.

All our best,
Katie & Kelly