The Sweetness (and Strife) of Cohabitation

After dating seriously for god knows how long, the two of you are finally ready to make the move, or move-in, rather. This can be exciting and thrilling even, and fuels the oh-so-sweet dream of a future life together. It’s the next step, and it’s a biggie. So congrats! And… beware. Because although you might work excellently when having your own spaces to return to and live in, the task of living together, particularly when you’re two different types, can be daunting. We’ve put together some general and more specific rules for keeping the peace — at least organizationally (a major percentage of our clients are either married or in a serious cohabiting relationship. We joke that we’re not only professional organizers, but marriage counselors, simply because so much of a successful co-living situation depends on the ways we can work together to create a well organized, smoothly-run household.

Cohabitating Basics

First off, you’ll want to note that any clashes that might occur over the wet towel/bathroom floor phenomenon, or the dishes in the sink phenomenon, or the lag-time phenomenon (where one person cleans as she goes and the other waits to do it until it has to be done) are not personal. They are personality-al. So the first and most important step to cohabitating successfully is to see these habits in your partner and to NOT take them as personal affronts, but merely the manifestation of their own personal type. (Not everyone is or can be like you.)

Here are some Universal Solutions that we’ve come up with, just as a starting point for lovebirds who have just moved in (or have lived together — fairly amicably — for years):

1. Communicate. This means each person should discuss their vision of an organizational system for each room in the house. Give the other adequate time and space to express their thoughts and ideas. Squelch the urge to roll your eyes, cringe, or bristle. Simply listen with an open mind. Remember: Each of you will have different organizational standards. Respect the other’s point of view during this communication session. If something bothers you, make a mental note of it and wait your turn.

   

2. Compromise. This is one of the biggies in terms of cohabitating. If you are practicing rigidity about that towel on the floor, you will sound like a drill sergeant and end up alienating your partner. Pick the towel up and hang it on a hook. Or create another hook closer to the shower so that your partner will be more likely to dry off in the tub and only have to extend his arm in order to solve the issue. If the towel shows up on the floor after communication AND organizational solutions, then we are sorry, but you’ll have to take this one for the team and …

   

3. Pick Your Battles. Mounting hooks allows for Freedoms to hang things on them instead of over chairs (see classics explode here). Find another room to focus on and come to a ground rule about if the bathroom is a battle zone. Keep picking up the towel until a resolution can be reached. We knew a couple where nagging was a big thing (her to him) about everything organization-related. Eventually, he just tuned her out. This approach will do nothing for either party, and only create chaos.

   

4. Communicate before Throwing Things Out. For instance, we already know that Freedoms and Organics have a wee bit of trouble tossing things. Coffee mugs, candy, used candles, you name it. Ask first. Be polite. If you’re met with resistance, calmly explain your perspective (in a logical but gentle manner — ie. “so this candle seems to be all done, there’s no more wax left in the holder. Do you think we ought to throw it out?”) Does this seem impossible and unreasonable? Make one of you the designated ‘tosser’ (usually a classic) with strict parameters for off-limit items.

   

5. Ask for input from your partner. Ask if this system that you’ve both created is working for them. Especially ask them this if it doesn’t seem to be (working). Then begin again with the communication exercise. You can accomplish this verbally or write it down, whatever works. In our book, we emphasize the importance of putting the responsibility for the system not working on YOU and therefore avoiding the blame game and putting them on the defensive. A better question might be, “How do you think we could better achieve x,y,z?” People LOVE putting their two cents in. It makes them feel valued. So even if your partner would rather leave things out in piles and you would rather have everything put away neatly, ask for his or her advice.

   

6. It’s Not Personal. Remember, any organizational clashes that happen are about who the two of you are personality-wise. Don’t make the dirty dishes in the sink about how your partner is never home early enough to do them. Keep the issues (and arguing) clean and to a minimum if possible. Remember too, that if your partner were suddenly to disappear, or (god forbid) die, you would miss that wet towel on the floor. You would. Sometimes it helps to put things into perspective (it is just a large piece of cotton, after all) and not to sweat the small stuff.

If you’d like to see more of how individual types get along (or not) with other types, check out our book on Amazon and read all about it. It might just be about organization, but it could save you a ton of bills in marriage counseling down the road. In the meantime, enjoy that steak that your partner cooked just for you, and don’t worry about how the greasy pan will get clean. Just eat the steak, and compliment the chef when you’re done.