The Laundry Fairy Has the Flu
I’m doing some late night laundry…the laundry fairy has the flu apparently and wasn’t able to come over…so here I am…but I don’t mind. I’m tired because I’ve been trying to get to bed much, much earlier…but I’m still enjoying the late night hour.
I’ve got the scent of Bounce in the air, I can hear the dryer rolling and tumbling and I’ve got a nice mix of music playing on Playlist. I’m perusing a notebook I’ve been using lately and have come across some ideas and thoughts that I jotted down some time ago regarding my feelings about the company I recently worked for, that laid me off. More about that later.
I’ve also gotten said notebook in order with tabs and labels and can now readily turn to the page that I may need. I’ve been writing thoughts and musings, short poetry, pondering on time and life and where I’m at. Wondering really where my road is right now. It seems that perhaps it is a bit overgrown, because I’m having a hard time finding it. I hope I didn’t miss the turn off.
I’ve been wanting to write for some time now, but just didn’t know what to write about. Typical. I decided to write about what I know. About my life, my memories, my musings, my experiences. Nothing like real life to get the ideas rolling. So today I wrote four pages, which will turn into more as I continue to flesh out my thoughts and ideas. I’m writing about this recent experience of getting laid off. It’s replete with humor, tragedy, confusion and joy.
I also wrote a short piece to my unborn child…my child that may or may not ever be. Who knows. Infertility has been a burden I have unexpectedly had to bear through the years. It was not ever a part of the bigger picture that I had for myself all those many years ago. But here it is. There is the possibility that things could change, but 13 years into it, I’m not holding my breath about it. I think with the ticking of the biological clock…the screaming in my head that time is passing and that the biological option is actually starting to fade…has been too much on my mind lately.
I haven’t felt such strong emotions about it, since the beginning, relatively speaking. I think because I always thought “There’s still time. I’m only 27. I’m only 29. I’m only 32. I’m only 35. I’m only 38.” Well now, in almost exactly one month I’m going to be 39. And 39 is only a stumble from 40 and once 40 hits…well the clock starts winding down and closing up shop. Sure, you might sneak a last minute purchase in right as the register is closing…but seriously…sometimes you get caught in traffic and the light turns out and the door gets locked as you’re parking the car and running for the door. You get my meaning.
Anyway, these are my thoughts of late. Just trying to figure it all out. Next steps, new phases, dying hope in some things, new hope in others.
Who Has Not Yet Been And May Yet Never Be.
Pondered on the beauty of your yet unknown face, loved you down to your tiniest yet undeveloped toes and not yet beating heart.
No one knows my love for you, seeded so deeply in the very inner sanctum of my heart where the beauty of my last ember of dying hope remains.
Age creeps along, and time passes and life is unexpected in the dreams she dashes and the hopes she cracks.
Every day one day closer to the passing of a possibility…
You have been loved forever…all the time before…and all the time after.
From the time I was a little girl and loved my dolls like my children.
You were there then, in every tender touch, in every child’s embrace.
I was making ready for you, but you never came.
I hope that all of the homes that you have gone to have loved you the way they should.
I hope that every mother who has kissed your face has seen the beauty in your eyes.I hope that every father that has tossed you in the air has heard the tinkling delight of your laughter.
You will be loved by me forever after even when time has turned my womb to dust, Because my love you are in my heart…deep within…with that last ember of dying hope.
