Time to Party

This weekend marks the unofficial start to summer and parties. I say unofficial, since the Summer Solstice isn’t until June 21 and as a Classic (SJ) I’m a stickler for rules. Although I do allow myself to wear white starting this weekend even though it’s not technically summer. Who says I’m rigid? Yet, I digress. I want to talk about throwing parties — not food or decor — but more subtle things that make one party fine and another magical. It involves personality preferences and how each of us have a tendency to accidentally make guests uncomfortable. Just being aware of what these are will help you throw a more magical get together.

There are two major party magic killers and they are things that occur simply because of how our brains are wired. We don’t realize they covertly kill parties. As my brilliant friend Stephen Carr told me this week, it’s at the intersection of personality types where we notice our differences the most. And where do personality types intersect? Parties!

A host not ready when someone shows up on time
Cleaner uppers

On time or early arrivals are tough when you’re the host and not ready. Regardless of why you’re not ready and how much you have left to do, these on time or early arrivals frazzle hosts and this in turn makes guests uncomfortable. But on time arrivals are going to happen and they’re not in the wrong since you told them to arrive at that hour. Half of the population are Classics therefore at least one person or couple is likely to arrive on time unless you’re having a small intimate dinner of Funs (SP), Organic Freedoms (NFP) or Smart Freedoms (NTP). Plus sometimes these Ps are nervous about being late and show up early.

One possible solution to this problem is to plan to finish the party prep an hour ahead of time. Chances are you’ll use up that hour but be ready on time. You will not have to play catch up throughout the party and will be more relaxed thereby creating more party magic mojo. This is great for Classics, Organic Structures (NFJ) and Smart Structures (NTJ) but a terrible one for the Ps mentioned above (or Classics who have over scheduled themselves). For this latter group, the best course is as you’re running around getting ready think about a simple helpful task, something a guest could do for you when they arrive and leave it until the last minute. If you don’t want your guests “put to work” then have an idea of what you want a potentially solo guest to do — sometimes the next guest arrives 15 minutes later and it can be really uncomfortable waiting and then even more so if the guests are all introverts and don’t know each other. So in lieu of the vague, well meaning, “Make yourself at home!” which nobody will ever do, give that first guest a directive, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes. In the meantime, I’m going to insist you help me out by fixing yourself a drink at the bar! Start eating, nosy around a bit, etc.” This sort of specific directive gets the ball rolling because the guest doesn’t feel like an annoyance but a help. Then guest #1 will pass on said directive to guest #2 and things will start flowing even if you’re still upstairs running around like a maniac with curlers in your hair.

We now turn to the cleaner-uppers — usually the same folks who show up on time to parties. Hosts or hostesses who clean up throughout a party, refuse help and/or are not-present for major portions of it are a drag to many guests. This is because having your friend or family member act as your servant is uncomfortable. The flip side of this coin is that cleaner-uppers are driven to clean-up because they can’t handle a mess sitting around. These hosts are not doing this to annoy guests but rather so that they can relax even though they’re doing manual labor throughout a party. Classics fall into this habit as can some Funs and a few Organic Structures . Here’s the solution: if you really can’t handle anything being left out for any length of time — napkins, dirty plates, etc. — then hire a high school student to be your cheap servant or a starving artist or your 10 year old child who can be bought really cheaply. Seriously, acting as a servant kills parties so unless you can let go and leave the mess until later, hire someone.

The other side of the coin is if you’re a cleaner-upper and at someone’s house and feel compelled to help them clean up. I’ve been at quite a few gatherings with messier folks where I almost started cleaning up even though they were not doing so. This is fine and nice to offer but if they insist you leave it, LEAVE IT. Your helpfulness, the sight of you cleaning up, is likely stressing them out. The mess doesn’t bother them as they see it as transitory and know it’ll be gone in a few hours and would rather people (including themselves) relax versus focus on tidying a bit of temporary mess. In this situation if you’re a cleaner upper, take three deep breaths and remind yourself that this isn’t your home and it’s temporary.