To Plan or Not To Plan
I feel like the world is divided into two camps: Planners and non Planners. I’m in the former camp and non Planners drive me crazy. But, I’ve found with my own family and in-laws that in dealing with these different approaches to scheduling and time, a little bit of humor and understanding goes a LONG way to greasing the wheels of family harmony.
One of the things that I loved about my family growing up was that my parents were planners — an Organic Structure (NFJ) and a Smart Structure (NTJ) — like me. As a Classic Freedom (SFJ), I love advance planning. But, both of my siblings are not planners. They’re Organic Freedoms (NFPs). Luckily, it was 3-2 so the planners won out and I had a childhood full of routine with trips and weekends scheduled far in advance. Frankly only once in a blue moon did we even deviate from vacationing in the same spots. Bliss.
Unfortunately our reign of perfect planning and scheduling ended when my siblings both married non Planners. The ratio now stands at 4-4 so we’re forced to be a bit more flexible and understanding with our non Planner family members and in-laws. And that’s really what it takes when mixing these two time contingents together — tolerance, flexibility, and a little understanding on both sides because neither side is ever really going to fundamentally change.
Let’s say a Fun Freedom (SFP) mother-in-law tries to make plans with her Classic Freedom daughter-in-law on a Saturday. The mother-in-law might call-up on a Thursday to see if she’s free that Saturday only to learn that the daughter-in-law is busy every Saturday for the next 5 weeks. Now, if you’re the mother-in-law, there’s two ways to decide to see this scenario.
The first way to see it is to realize that your Classic Freedom daughter-in-law is just a Planner by nature and doesn’t mean to box you out. You ask her if she can book the 6th Saturday. Most likely she’ll say yes and then if you’re worried about a repeat, you ask your daughter-in-law how much advance time she should give generally when making plans and say something self deprecating like, “I notoriously do things last minute so it doesn’t come as naturally to me!” In this instance, the daughter-in-law might actually take the initiative in making plans to make sure they leave room for the mother-in-law in their heavily planned lives.
Now, the second way to see this situation is that your daughter-in-law is avoiding you. You can take offense to it and when she tells you they’re not free until well into next month say something the daughter-in-law will likely find rude like, “I can’t believe how difficult it is to make plans with you.” What is the probability that your daughter-in-law would be motivated to carve out time for you after you writer or say that sentence. Yes, you are correct, probably sometime between never and when hell freezes over.
So, you see that there is a delicate dance when dealing with the two planning camps and understanding and flexibility is key — as is being thoughtful. Oh and if you don’t believe that how you view and react to situations is a decision ‑‑ then you’ve got some tough roads ahead of you with respect to ever achieving in-law harmony. Remember being upset about something is most often a decision you’re making. No matter what your type is, letting go of angry feelings is often the best medicine and within your power.