You Call That Tidy??

I’m a Classic Freedom (SFJ) and for the first 18 years of my life, I was surrounded by Ns — an Organic Structure (NFJ), a Smart Structure (NTJ) and two Organic Freedoms (NFP) siblings. What frustrated me most about being an alien “S” in their “N” enclave, beyond the fact that they voraciously read like rabbits and I read slower than a turtle, was their lack of attention to DETAIL. Now, here is where I actually have an easier time with my in-laws than my own family because they’re more of an “S” enclave.

I don’t think my parents have ever had a set way to put their glassware back in the cupboard. Me? I like to line up everything that matches and notice the moment I open a cupboard if someone else has put my cups back in a different order than I prefer. And yes, I’ve actually remade my mom’s bed when she stays with me because it isn’t the way I like to make that bed. The image above is not the actual difference in my spice rack versus my mom’s but let’s just say it’s a decent visual approximation from The Kitchn of the actual differences in ours. And now that I’ve made myself sound like the husband from “Sleeping with The Enemy” let me discuss how these “N” “S” differences could upset in-law situations.

Take me remaking my mom’s bed when she’s a guest in my house. First, I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t in a small two bedroom where I walk by the bed all of the time. Second, I wouldn’t remake the bed if it was my mother-in-law staying there. The reason is that I know my own mother can roll her eyes or shake her head and say to me, “Oh lordie. You want to make my bed, have at it crazy ‘S’ lady.” or “You are so annoying!” Actually, my mom wouldn’t say that but I know her well enough how to read her different eye rolls or sighs. But, my mother-in-law wouldn’t feel as comfortable saying that to me or sighing because she wasn’t an “N” forced to deal with my “S” detail oriented proclivities for half of her life. Plus, my mother-in-law might inwardly worry that I’m annoyed with her and not feel welcome.

So the trick to in-law harmony when you have different levels of attention to detail—Classics (SJs) and Funs (SPs) versus Organics (NFs) and Smarts (NTs) — is to find a happy medium between detail and the big picture when it comes to cleanliness, order & clutter. For instance, there are days I DON’T remake my mom’s bed when she’s staying with me because I think, “Heck, at least she made it!” And that’s the tact to take whenever those differences arise and you’re dealing with an in-law with whome you’re not best buddies.